Everybody Moon Jump

Good Night and Good Luck

2011-09-02T04:36:00.000-07:00

I'm working two jobs, organizing a comedy/screening show in November, and am still going to bro-land at the gym. This blog started because I was bored, and not doing any of those things, and I needed something to keep me busy, but now that I'm busy, it's a chore. And throughout my rehab adventures, if a hobby begins to feel like a chore, I drop it immediately. Had to do the same with piano.

I'm constantly in a battle of cutting down my internet time, and this blog was not helping that AT ALL. I want less things I "have" to check online. Plus I was starting to get obsessive about taking pictures, as if something - whether it be shin scabs or avocados - didn't exist untill it was posted. I'm not saying what I thought was stupid.... I know it was hilarious, but my heart's not in it anymore.

And I know you might think "Well just blog SOMETIMES, not everyday, maybe", but I can't, I'm an old fashioned perfectionist, and I do something all the way hardcore or not at all.

That and I really don't care about blogging as much because I'm starting to plan a comedy show which is something I care about a ton more.

As Katherine Hepburn said, "You can't have it all". Look at all those actresses who are also singers/fashion designers/perfume designers......it's all shit. The more projects you do at once, the more you compromise quality. And my brain energy needs to be directed to writing, producing, and deadlifts/squatting/bench pressing.

I noticed on the days I consciously made an effort to use the internet for only an hour in the evening, I got more done. I wrote more letters, made better food, dreamed more, thought more, lived more.

I was going to post a video of Le Tigre's "Get Off The Internet"....realized the irony.... maybe I'll mail in an order of their CD.

I'm killing this blog. You know the pattern....blog for a year, off for two. Blog a year, off for two.

Until then, keep eating, keep feeding, keep running up that hill, keep running up that road, and don't feel guilty watching Jersey Shore.

-Dave

Avocadooooo

2011-08-31T17:00:00.000-07:00

recipe:

avocado
salt
pepper
are you an idiot?

VOTE YOU FUCKTARDS

2011-08-31T11:09:00.000-07:00

Did you remember to VOTE? ....poll to the right if you're an idiot. All ten of you out there on the internet? I can't make decisions unless strangers do it for me.

In other news...my bowel movement schedule got messed up and instead of two in the morning, it was one in the morning, then one inconveniently at about 3:00 PM at work. So today.....held it in, and waiting for massive unload tomorrow. I hope it doesn't backfire and just end up constipated. Well, more psyllium and water!

College Freshman

2011-08-31T06:08:00.000-07:00

College Freshman. So true it hurts.

Here To Ruin Your Day

2011-08-30T16:04:00.000-07:00

Early Family Guy episode where Meg isn't voiced by Mila Kunis.

West Side Story reference! I get it!

So sometimes when I bite my nails I play with the clipping in my mouth for a bit. Deal with it.

Stephen Hawkins in da house.

My bloody shin bleeds no more....great because I'm going to do deadlifts tomorrow. Trying to not obsessively get 3000 calories a day....surprisingly easier when not obsessing. Maybe this applies to everything? If I just keep trying and keep trying success will come, even if I DON'T document/get everything perfect all the time/every time? THis is perfectionist busting class 101.

Lettuce gone to seed.

My grandma is SO skeptical about my peppers. I mentioned to her how small they were and she said "well, there's always next year." she dropped by today and I showed her this, and she said they were crowded out of the sun by the lettuce. Lettuce! I ate you every day then you took over the garden.

Something large is making a path into the woods. A large red-breasted wheelbarrow.

One of my favourite animals, yellow garden spider. GIANT.

As a size reference....this was a close as my hand could get to the web.

ALSO GIANT! I'm going to try to make my own sunflower butter.

Chickpeas, kamut pasta, carrots. Lazy depresso meal, no seasoning, just nutrients.

I have Cirque Du Soleil make up on.

The mid-nose bridge looks photoshopped. I swear, because I can't use it anymore even though I took classes on it in school. College! $30, 000 I'll never get back.

hiccups

2011-08-29T15:38:00.001-07:00

ground turkey
onions
garlic.

cook that until cooked. cook it.

add:
diced tomato
oregano
basil
one red jalapeno (pronounced phonetically)
one package spinach, diced

I FEEL like I'm forgetting something, but it's a tasty, savory sauce to put upon pasta of your choice. Or my choice if I'm your dictator.

blogging haitus potentially. or just less blogging for a while. Starting new real-life job, I got six hours of sleep last night, and ate only 1000 calories before the gym and turned into a toddler, essentially. Went from working all day in an all-female environment to an all male bro party. A taco party to a sausage party.

I have the hiccups right now and I HATE the hiccups. I don't like being out of control with my breathing. My mom "joked", "How much gin did you drink earlier?" hey, HEY, I'm the one to make the alcoholic jokes, not you.

I'm so tired, i'm a baby.

Haven't jacked off in so long. Tried to think of things that would make a boner, nothing happened.....I'm dead inside? We'll just wait it out until my subconcious releases some heinous, layered sex dream.

Mom Date

2011-08-29T06:47:00.000-07:00

New Poll - glasses

2011-08-28T18:34:00.000-07:00

Okay, so according to the last poll, 100% (2 people) want me to shut up about my chemo eyes, and think I DON"T look like I'm going through chemo. thanks guys!

New poll. Should I get those glasses? Might change it because there's a funnier story I wanted your opinion on.

VOOOOOOOOOTE. I'm desperate for internet validation.

Deer in Cateye Glasses

2011-08-28T06:16:00.000-07:00

These new Sketcher "shape up" shoes. Are people idiots? Who are the idiots buying these shoes?

Kitchen nightmares....the woman was a radiologist/olympian from jamaican and a total pitbull in the kitchen. Overbearing micromanager....especially towards her son. In the end, Gordon Ramsey broke through her tough shell and she cried and hugged him.

Gordom Ramsey " The most important woman in my life is my mom"......awwwww kind of liking him more and more everyday!

My shins were BLEEDING at the gym. I had to little scabs, did dead lifts, then BOOM, my whole leg was covered with blood. Disgusting.

I've had bandaids on them since, hoping they'll heal up....but I'm doing deadlifts tomorrow, so who knows?

Steel Cut Oats outside.

Mom date to the glasses place. I needed my glasses tightened.

Neil Young's optical. Yes, he has the same name. No, he's not related, even though Neil Young grew up in a small town in North ontario......

A man needs a maid.

The professor will see you now.

Actually falling in love with these glasses. I know I know ....hipster! Hipster! Hipster! Do I care? No, I like these glasses, and I've never cared about trends.....

And not caring about trends also means not NOT liking something because it's popular. Ex. Denying you like any top 40 song simply because it's a top 40 song. Katy Perry's Firework was my song of June, deal with it.

My mom made me take thousands of pictures of her in different glasses, so she could look at them later and remember what she tried on.

Not the best pair, but her best face....she's trying not to laugh out loud in the store. And all the other pictures of her, she's deer-in-cateye stunned.

Dollar Store Notebook

2011-08-26T18:17:00.000-07:00

The first whiff of fall and I whip out my autumn-toned blankie. I woke up shivering the night previous and I sighed a sigh of relief YESSSSS SUMMER IS CLOSING!!!

Do these match?
Yes. They match.

Disaster zone. Hurricane Clothing.

I need to put up shelves? no......my reluctance to re-structure my room is a mental block I have in knowing I'm moving out soon. It's like when people are looking for a house to buy, and they start mentioning to the seller design ideas, you know they're thinking about moving in. Well, I'm the opposite, as long as I don't add to the room, I know I"m moving out soon.

okay, I caved, I started a post-card wall.

My weight training journal. Dollar store notebook, then collaged the shit out of it.

omg when I started i could barely bench press 10 pounds.....so severely undertrained, it was serious, not just haha I'm unathletic....but for real. super unhealthy.

YOU CAN'T QUIT WE FIRE YOU.

I could care less....starting kick-ass job next Monday. 15 dollars an hour to pour tea to the elderly. AMEN.

Sad, bland bowl of kamut pasta....just bringing my calorie count up for the day!

I'm Watching Jersey Shore, Deal With It

2011-08-25T17:51:00.000-07:00

One of my favourite top ten meals: avocado/fried egg sandwich. I cook the shit out of my friend eggs, I don't like runny yolk, not in a sandwich.

Also, cooking technique that is changing my world. For scrambled eggs....low, slow and whisk often. I only have eggs in a little bit of olive oil, and they used to turn into a brown, tough half scrambled/omlette thing, but now they're fluffy, buttery breakfast clouds.

My acne is out of control on my shoulders. But like itchy acne? What is it? So I scratch it and then the sits breaaaaak, I don't need to tell you this.

And I know the connection between constipation and acne....but I'm regular like crazy. Maybe more psyllium. It's always the answer, isn't it.

My dad wants to cut the tags off this shirt because they're always sticking out and it drives him nuts.

Tried rubbing this on my shoulders.....my zits may be still around, but at least my mom's sinuses are clear!

My schedule is off the hook. Stopping one job, starting another, double booked. Two weekends from now I have a Saturday/Sunday where I work 13 hours both days. MONEHHHH.

Forgot I had a picture of the eggs. Here they are! Here are my eggs.

I'm going to piss off my future husbands with this habit of taking my socks off and leaving them on chairs.

BUY ONE>>>> New Year's resolution still in effect.

I'm thinking of changing the start of my year to my birthday. I'm all about inventing new holidays/stopping the celebration of one, and New Years is one of my least favourite.....mostly because of the "CHANGE YOURSELF" mentality. Fuck it. It's official. October 8th is now my New Year's Day.

How about a book about doors?

Fibrous meal. Ryveta crackers and psyllium water. Deal with it.

Is anyone else watching Jersey Shore? Is anyone else sick of Ronnie and Sam? Can they just leave?

Okay, I'm off to google image search "Dave Grohl Nude"

Sausage Fest

2011-08-25T11:48:00.000-07:00

Ten points for these guys for shocking viewers without nudity or racism....but minus ten points for wanting to puke during the whole time. I need to eat some raw spinach now to clear my brain and eyes.

My brother loves these guys, has a t-shirt of them and everything. AND EVERYTHING.

Zine Dream in Blog TO

2011-08-25T05:41:00.000-07:00

Oh look a shitty article from Blog TO about Zine Dream.

See if you can find me in the last picture.

Why is it the only time I hear zines are dying are in articles titled "ZINES AREN'T DEAD!" I didn't think they were, calm down.

Closet Space

2011-08-24T18:03:00.000-07:00

advice please!!!

Pigeon Calling

2011-08-24T11:12:00.000-07:00

Hello Wheat Again?

2011-08-24T05:12:00.000-07:00

My mom made up a new dish and calls it "chicken chick" because there's chicken and chick peas in it? Now I know where I got all my creative talent from..... Basically cook all the shit in diced tomatoes, peppers, onions, basil and oregano. Bam! Chicken chick.

I'm so bad at multi tasking, I can't chew and type at the same time, true story!

Serious garden surgery. Had to prune some lettuce plants that were getting old and bitter (like my mom!....it's okay I told her that joke and she laughed) to let the pepper plants have more sun.

But my pepper plant is like 8 inches high and already flowering? I'm scared it's not strong enough to bear fruit.....like when a skinny person gets pregnant.

Speaking of skinny people.....

ATTN GIRLS OF TORONTO:

FUCKING EAT SOMETHING

I should have just pulled it from the ground....now there's this weird stalk left over there. What do I do?

Lindsay landmark....feels like we're in Britain, don't it? Now turned into some anarchist memorial, bunch of stickers and orange spray paint inside.

Guess that intersection!!!

So happy this is happening....and in Dunsford! Not even Lindsay. I'm proud when my home town has something unusual or surprising going on....then again, maybe I should be starting my own shit. Fuck you, Bird Day is REAL and in the hearts of everyone.

A better picture of the new sign. Hi Nicole!

Tried to get a picture of my bed head, ended up looking like a sad guy on a tilt-a-whirl. MY house is spinning soooo faaaast.

Checking for breast cancer. Lol, no my chest was itchy though. I'm getting weird spotty itches....bed bugs? But then they turn into serious week-long, deep in the skin, ZIIIITS.

Soy beans
tomato

dressing:
parsley
olive oil
red wine vinegar
mustard
agave

and that's it!

Batter for my famous chicken fingers: chili flakes, oatmeal and sesame seeds.

The oven is broken, so i had to cook them on the stove.

Cooked waaaay better then they usually do. Perfect crispy on outside/moist on inside ratio. I was so hungry, I was literally moaning during this....maybe?

Decided to try eating wheat again....just try it to see if it still gives me insane headaches. But last night I was thinking of foods to eat with wheat....and I couldn't think of any? I'm so used to making delcious foods without, that it's not like I'm ever....hmmmmm i could really go for some pretzels. No, so part of me is like....."Just eat what you find delicious".....and that's the food I'm eating now.

PIctures with Lines

2011-08-23T18:24:00.000-07:00

Too lazy to go to Lindsay for post office, went to Cameron, a post office that's in a house in the middle of no where.

Fresh chicken. Trying not to use frozen chicken anymore...or cut down on it. So tastes much better.

Recipe:

Take chicken breast. Rub with mixture of coriander, cumin, salt n pepper. Brown in pan and cook until you think the salmonella is killed. Make it crispy!

Drizzle with juice of lime and chopped jalapenos from my garden. Or yours if you have one.

Distracted, can't blog right now, my dad is snoring on the couch, and to quote him when we were lying down "if you're that tired, go to bed." Trying to convince my mom to change the channel from America's Got Talent...she says it's dad's show, but we'll see about that.

Zine Dream Super Scheme

2011-08-22T05:32:00.000-07:00

Zine Dream 4 Set up. Got there early so I could take my seat wherever. Sat next to the Toronto Zine Library and some girl selling overpriced art prints ($25?, get real) and i spied her text message "I HATE THIS PLACE, THINKING OF BAILING". And bail she did, her boyfriend came and picked her up.

Sold a few, not as much as Guelph zine fair, mostly because Zine Dream sells a lot of art prints and t-shirts.

ATTN: ZINE DREAM

DON'T PUT ZINE IN THE TITLE OF YOUR EVENT IF YOU DON'T MOSTLY SELL ZINES SERIOUSLY ONE GUY WAS SELLING JARS OF HOMEMADE SPICE MIXTURE AND THAT WAS IT. JUST NAME IT "HANDMADE DREAM" OR SOMETHING STOP LYING

Got #25 and 27 of Doris from Twelve Oh Two.....12 2 oh? Nine Oh Two One Oh Twelve Oh Two Oh Tori Spelling.

Domino posing. Name that intersection!

We went to Fresh for supper, I thought our server was male, she thought our server was female. Toronto! It's like Lindsay, except people are genderless on purpose.

Impossible to have real conversations when we're together, everything turns into a rap battle or she's laughing too loud and ashamed in public.

I hate toronto because she wants to lick me.

You guys I scooped out my eyes, it's soooo sunny.

Ugh. Walkin west on bloor while the sun is setting ..... desert apocalypse.

Paige complimented my shoes. I'm getting there. I promised her for her birthday next year I will give her money and basically be her mannequin and dress me up in whatever she wants.

Also, to the guy at Zine Dream with black jeans and a moustache and black sweater and short dark hair. Fuck you, you fuckin fuck for ruining my day, only because of your existence. In my head, you already have some disgusting personal habit like picking your ear and eating it. I NEVER WANT TO BE YOU.

JUST KIDDING I DO I REALLY DO

Late Notice

2011-08-20T16:57:00.000-07:00

This is where I am tomorrow. Calm down toronto friends, I'm only coming for the thing, then leaving right after. Too lazy to stay over.

New zine! Will post pictures soon i'm drinking soy milk now.

New Poll - Aug 20

2011-08-20T05:17:00.001-07:00

So the results are back from the last poll, and 100% said you can't wait for me to look like a Swedish hockey player.

New poll up regarding my chemo eyes. Vote if you got a heart! or a discerning eye for fucked up eyes

The Fabulous Life of Competetive BBQ

2011-08-20T05:07:00.000-07:00

Q: How many Rib Fests does one small town need?
A: NOT FUCKING TWO YOU IDIOTS

A month ago was "rib fest" and now it's something called Rib Fest Pro?.....people are here from Alabama.

This guy's art booth. "Evoked Emotions" reminds me of the store in Lindsay called "Enchanted Essentials" holy fuck get a creative cell in your body and come up with better business names. His paintings were absolute shit. Well....what do you expect at an art booth at Rib Fest Pro

"Warm Nuts" Are they in on the joke? Are they too old and naive? WARM NUTS is gonna be my knuckle tattoo.

Victoria Park filled with huge displays from trucks. Everything smelled like it was on fire. Wellllllll it kind of was.

Go to their website here. So many dudes with tasteless tattoos. I'm trying to make some "sausage fest" joke here, but I'm not in coffee land yet.

Maranta, they're going to Guelph next, I should just ship something with them?

I'm here for the music, not the ribs, obviously.

I wonder what they make.

All the boys think she's a spy

2011-08-19T16:36:00.000-07:00

nothing special. kale. chicken. brown rice. peppas.

use your Devry College diploma to write shitty puns

So illegal. Do they know that? What should I do? Sign says long haired freaky people need not apply, so I tucked my hair up under my hat and went in to ask him why. He says you look like a fine outstanding young man, I think you'll do. So I said imagine that, huh, me talking to you.

SIGN SIGN EVERYWHERE A SIGN.

Bachelor number one!!!!!

If you were a chicken dish, what type of chicken dish would you be and why?

I broke up with my piano teacher. We're on a break. I need to see other musical hobbies for a while. Still....feeling double the guilt with double the piano. Just couldn't commit to lessons when I'm working two jobs. When you're an sexless gay guy, you're a parent to your art. (i'm allowed one serious comment per post, you guyyyys)

"YOU DON'T EAT WHEAT OR DAIRY? OMG WHAT DO YOU EAT?!?!?"

Fuck you, you fuckin fucks.

Do I have chemo eyes?

I mean like droopy, pink around the edges, sickly eyes. Oh, and my eyelashes are blond, so it looks like I don't have any.

Or just pink eyes. And for reference to chem eyes, see the following pic.

THIS QUESTION: will be in poll format.

does anyone even blog anymore?

2011-08-18T18:06:00.000-07:00

Butter Beans?

2011-08-18T09:52:00.000-07:00

k but seriously is there butter? I'm farting like a madman now.....

Spotted Touch-Me-Not

2011-08-17T18:16:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Fleming. The parking lots are confusing and there's lots of dead animals.

True tale.....so many taxidermied animals just chillin on the walls, watching you study.

Drove to some lagoon/swamp area, parked on the side of the road and found the KY on the ground.

Sewious business. Did not know that Nicole was afraid of water? Had to coach her through some exposure therapy. "What is the chance of your real fear happening? Give me a percentage." Although she said 100%.....of something eating her? I had to walk in front to clear the star duckweed so she could see the ground.

I'm in paradise right now. Little pockets of purple flowers floating on a mini-marsh-island. I need my own hip waders IMMEDIATELY.

Not much variety of plants, really. Not as much as last time. Biodiversity. Learning lessons.

I look like a 45 year old humpty dumpty. WHERE MY CHEST AT?

Paranoid my loose glasses are going to fall off when I bend over to scoop some weed samples. Malfloy? Malfoy? Some plant called that.

SWAMP SURFIN>>>>>>>

Mamma walks around with ziploc baggies filled with muddy water weeds

What are you? Why doesn't the internet have some plant recognition software?!?!?

This place was part of the sewage treatment system. This stream smelled like soap and poo. At least they were washing their hands!

Super vigilant about not touching my face after touching the tape-worm water.

Staged photo shoot deal with it. Smiling with my hip waders.

You can't tell but i'm eating grass here like a hick. HICK AND PROUD; Don't tell me I'm classist. Classicsst? Spellcheck is telling me it's wronglly spellled.

I'm a Norman Rockwell painting.

Question: Are my eyes/mouth droopy or am I just scowly? And do you see my chemo eyes, or is it just me? Poll materialllll....

This flower is called Spotted Touch-Me-Not, a variant of the species Spotted Touch-Me-Allover

ZWAMP, couch time. Both so exhausted, we were on the road at 9:00. Couch time.

A banquet of food. Quinoa, chips, salsa, stir fry, beans, beans, beans, green pepper.

Drivers, Dive Ins and Dives. He's a disgusting mouth-filled pig.

Food network does too many unnesseeccarrry close-ups. Just show me how much you're putting in.

Couch twins!

She's asleep. She had insane sleep guilt. Every time she snapped into consciousness, would blubber apologies "Are you upset at me?" no....i'm browsing fitness forums and zoning out in front of the food network.

This hit the target, the spot, the stomach spot. Just fried potatoes in onion and garlic with fresh chives over top. Oh, and salt. OF COURSE salt. ZOMG WAT ABOUT UR HEART? Yeah, salt's the real enemy with your food.

Looking Through Records

2011-08-16T19:09:00.000-07:00

Paws to the Balls

2011-08-16T18:35:00.000-07:00

Melanie answer your fucking door. Their doorbell is the Jetson's theme song.

The other side says "Relatives By Appointment"

AQUARIUM? People, please update me when you get something giant and usually found only in zoos.

I'm watching Monster Fish now on Nat. Geo channel.....her fish got nothing on this 12 ft sting ray. P.S. Monster Fish ripped off River Monsters, but the National Geo channel is not as sensational or emotional as the discovery channel.

Giving me the tour. One fish is named "Chlor" because her sister accidentally put it in chlorinated water. They named their coral Richard because it looked like a dick.

someone likes diet pepsi.

check
this
mutha
out.

three wheeler, so comfortable and stable. It's for mel, not me.

the sign says "Welcome to Lindsay: Where riding is a privilege and Nature is respected".....i've never heard that as Lindsay's motto.....way to be snarky and parental, Lindsay.

Don't show ATV's in your sign if they're not allowed on the road!

She rode the entire time with one of her brakes locked on. And she was wondering why she was having trouble.

dating profile pic. it's me if I stopped eating veggies and started smoking. Chemo eyes very present.

We watched Ze End of Ze World.

Gay Calving Gloves

just kidding they're for cleaning the aquarium. I feel like a bubble boy/latex fetish model.

Dear Chest: When will you be regular man strength?

I always always always do meowing vocal warm ups to dogs. This time he got my nuts.

There should be a talent show on Fox where the judges are dogs.

livin' in a time/internet vortex. skyped with MARANTA and she was so awkward posing online. What else is new..... maranda, midnight train track walk! did you do it?

knock knock

2011-08-16T09:09:00.000-07:00

From Reddit, where I get all my shit.

Green Beans and a Good Luck Onion

2011-08-16T05:41:00.000-07:00

stir fry:
-kale
-tomatoes
-green pepper
-red onion
-zukes (zucciiinnniiis)

on shitty parboiled brown rice with chicken

kale and tomatoes appear courtesy of Dave's Garden of Delight TM

all meals, every meal

mom had to buy a new good luck onion because the old one grew too much growth

i was supposed to draw the other face, daaaaad

some of them are too tough to eat. didn't harvest them early enough. I can't keep up to my garden! it's challenging my eating habits....and it's winning!

i'm gonna eat you

Wherefore Art Thou Camera Cord

2011-08-15T17:58:00.000-07:00

where's my camera cord? I don't know.

missing my ipod too?

watching Top Chef: Just Desserts: Homosexual Contestant Edition. Although props for them for daring to have more than one token gay guy.....there's like 4.

because i'm lazy, it's time for

10 THINGS 10 THINGS 10 THINGS

1. omg dad we have three couches in the living room just SIT DOWN ON ONE stop standing and watching the tv. one of my irrational pet peeves is being sitting when everyone is standing or vice versa

2. everyone on the food network says "i learned to cook from watching my mom cook". don't have those memories, nope. me: "i learned to cook by NOT watching my mom make clean-out-the-fridge casserole"

3. i need to stop wearing black shirts they highlight the food crumbs too well

4. i want a cooking show where people who don't know how to cook are put into challenges. Like Canada's Worst Driver.....but it's Canada's Worst Cook. also while we're at it, Canada's Worst Mom

5. accidentally watched 3 seconds of glee....no, just a trailer for glee.....maybe just a commercial with one of the cast members. I have a tooth ache, they're soooooooo overdosing on sweetness it's nauseating

6. ladies: is back hair your turn off? (back hair on your man, not you.)

7. i think i have lesbian envy. self-diagnosis

8. where were you when you found out tartar sauce was just relish and mayonnaise....and shrimp cocktail dip is just ketchup and horseradish....WHERE WERE YOU. NEVAH FORGET

9. Relapse support groups at the hospital is NOT the place to snag a man

10. yesterday someone at work asked me if I was married! SNARK!

Gordon Wayne Watts

2011-08-15T11:03:00.000-07:00

Someone should tell Gordon Wayne Watts it's not 1998 anymore.

ok

2011-08-15T07:04:00.001-07:00

Ten Things - Aug 14

2011-08-14T10:02:00.000-07:00

10 Things That Are Happening These Days

1. Worked 12 hours yesterday. Dreamed about cutlery. But....basically doubled my bank account. Someday it will be 4 digits!

2. okay, seriously you guys i broke my abs. was doing Romanian Chair sit ups and something went CRICK in my lower abs....not a hernia, though

3. This Song makes me pump my red-fingernailed fists. But what does it meannnnn?

4. Tracy Chapman CD is making me cry on the way to work! DAMN YOU TRACY!

5. I have one hour to consume 1000 calories. Probs gonna be peanut butter soy milk shakes. Give me tiny, many numbered shits. Stay tuned 4 pics.

6. Attention part-time employers. You know how this is "part time" employment? that's cause the rest of my time is spent at my other job. If you want me to work exclusively at your place of work, then hire me full time.

7. OW MY ABZ!

8. My name is Dave and I watch Jersey Shore

9. i just got my hair cut two weeks ago why is it a mullet again?

10. what if I was a dragon

Feminist Bookstore

2011-08-14T06:28:00.001-07:00

i FIND the time

2011-08-12T18:56:00.000-07:00

....except i don't look like "this"....juan deigh? (one day) ewww....except i'll keep my stomach hair. it catches my gluten free cracker crumbs.

also. have we heard about turkish oil wrestling?

my internet is too slow to post pictures right now.

I'm working 12 hours tomorrow.

Wish me luck. gonna make 300 dollas. Fuckin worth it.

Someone at work today thought I was "very proper", and expected me to play piano.

yyy do i feel like i'm the only one blogging

2011-08-12T06:37:00.001-07:00

Pharaoh Fawcett

my shoulders look like two people are on either side of me....i mean, yeah there were two people on either side of me in my bed. lol just kidding i hate intimacy

finished that book in like 10 hours, no big.

new work shirt....but XL? lady, that's not going to fit.

and the vest...

i'm lady edwards now thanks

why are my teeth getting grey/yellow? fruit juice? i have this new arm and hammer baking soday toothpaste. I'll keep y'all posted.

another canker!

this time it's in my inner lip.

my camera is so heavy, this was a death trap.

FAT PICTURES OF MY PAST

POLL FAIL

2011-08-11T17:53:00.000-07:00

OKAY.....so the poll i posted last, only two people voted, and it was a TIE.

so i'm not telling the person I work with I know her family...or maybe I will.

i'm still undecided you were supposed to make up my mind for me.

so new poll

deal with it. vote

I'm NOT The Lead Singer of Slipknot

2011-08-11T17:37:00.000-07:00

Terrible last two days. Forgot to order my medication, took a trip to CURAZY TOWN. Man o man, music was exquisite, the crows....my god the crows were in the tree then ON THE ROAD.

In the car, do I turn up the knob? So many knobs? Then, thinking if I make it cooler, the air will make the sound waves reach my ear.....harder?

BUH.
NA.
NAS.

Still recuperating. Zoning out in front of TLC and eating lettuce. What else can I do. It's my cure for everything. TLC + leafy greens = rehab forevah.

Watching NY Ink, the lead singer of Slipknot said his bassist was the "greatest musical mind" oh, puuuuuhleaze. NOw he's crying getting his tattoo. I can't care about this shit.

Too buzzy-brained to blog. To cheer me up.....KOREAN BABIES!

oh my god are you even real, i feel like you're made by Pixar.

awwwww.....so there's pictures of my daughter, Norma. Yep, got her name picked out. If there's two, it'll be Norma and Margaret. Named after my grandmas, naturally. Except I hate the abbreviated "marg"

i'm worried if I don't finish AHAP (as hot as possible) and move back to Toronto for The Slutty Years, I'll end up adopting a child too early as a substitute for love.

REAL TALK

And realer talk.... i need to befriend more people with mental illness....i mean, i have a great support system, but often, they just don't get it. And it's the same like everything, until you've gone through it, you can give true advice.

My new motto is

IF YOU HAVEN'T DONE WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO,
DON'T GIVE ME ADVICE ON IT

10 Things - Aug. 9

2011-08-10T18:28:00.000-07:00

10 Things That Are Happening These Days

1. omfg when does America's Got Talent end i'm too lazy to move off the couch so I'm watching it by default.

2. p.s. how irritating is Nick Cannon? I can't believe he's part of my life

3. my mom had a migraine, and when this happens, acts like she's on acid. I started writing down quotes from her....she was laying on the couch getting "waves of sweetness" and she walked into the kitchen to "buy some shoes"....fuuuuuck. The phone rang and she laughed hysterically.

4. Can we take a minute and acknowledge how great I am at preventing poison ivy? Please....forests, swamps....nothing. I'm a pro.

5. Nicole's mom tried to give us embroidery lessons but we got bored and went to her room. Her mom shouted at us "You guys aren't sewing aren't you.....I can't hear ......any sewing noises."

6. Inside scoop on The York (Lindsay's bar) from an employee. Might be turned into a martini bar or a country bar. uhhh, dude those are extreme opposites. Flip the coin already.

7. Did I eat enough calories today?

8. Apparently if you're at the gym and about to squat and you think you might shit...it's called a "Gamble Squat". When you lose, you lose hard....and lose brown.

9. Found some fat childhood pictures of me, gonna scan those bitches and post them.

10. ATTN Parents: stop putting your kids on TV

DJ Chazzy Chamber Music

2011-08-10T03:54:00.000-07:00

Got this goldmine at the dump.

There was chamber music before BACH? Go on..... although the record also has a song by Bach. make up ur myndz.

I was gonna make captions but they wouldn't be as funny as Married To The Sea.

Nicole did you take your tupperware yet?

Song on Side 2....."A Face" still have to listen to it. Wonder what it's about?

SWAMP OR DIE

2011-08-09T04:11:00.000-07:00

Took swamping to a whole other level yesterday. Parked on a side road.....bad road, trucks whizzing pass to get to the quarry around the corner.

I was ready for waist-deep water, Nicole was ready to be plant director and point out what ones she needed. We make a good team.

I was gonna use rubber boots, but fuck it, they were only going to get a soaker, so decided to barefoot it like anaconda fishermen.

Thunder thighs gonna come and hide under your bed at night.

And the flower was THIIIIIS BIIIIIG. I want to taxidermy it and put it above my mantle.

Genuinely surprised at how many different aquatic plants there are. You have no idea until you're right in the water.

Then this happened:

It was inevitable. But now I gots that "fuck it I'm already wet" attitude, able to go out further and deeper.

Learning!

Someone wrote "SKATE OR DIE" on the bridge. I forgot to bring my sharpie/paint. WHHHHY?

Pull over, dat ass too fat.

When do my arms catch up to my legs?

Worse fall this time. Ass in the water, paranoid of parasites squirming their way and messing with my intestinal flora.

Yellow water lily. Proudest achievement of the day. Gonna get mad ass with this story.

Then time for girl time at some clothing store. I warned her I turn into jelly in retail stores. She was asking me advice, and all I could say was "yeah, that's good, I'm thirsty, yeah, that's good, I'm thirsty."

Lindsay Gem. Is he afraid the sign will fall over if he doesn't hold it up?

I have to go back and buy this. Tri-panel gold mirror of the last supper? I think so. But I already spent money on a Tracy Chapman album.

THIS ISN'T A JOKE, YOU REALLY CAN'T GO ON EATING LIKE THAT.

Remember this?

"Simply Sew Much Better"? I'm plaid you asked.

nicole has a crushed ice machine so I was able to chomp down on cubes like an anemic maniac. (are those anagrams? almost)

Her deck is soooo hot on the feet!

Hey dave wanna come over and help me compost?

ok

She needs to stir it up more, add more water. And worms! By god, jeeves and johovah....add some worms!

Slave to technology.

JJ + DC = LOVE

2011-08-08T07:22:00.000-07:00

Jughead Jones is my icon. His endless appetite, obsession with food that outweighs any interest in sex and love, his shoddy fashion, (i used to relate to him being skinny, but not anymore), his sense of humour. He is my dream guy.

Cottage Cheese

2011-08-08T03:55:00.000-07:00

Oh hey look Nelly Furtado found her underwear FINALLY.....

Aunt Karen's cottage. They have two full sized fridge, one overflowing with food, and the other overflowing with BOOZE. There's a reason Beer Fridges are small.

What do you want to do today?
Nelly Furtad0: dishes.

Boggle Bowl? Boggable? I thought you had to roll the letter like dice in the middle of the board. But it's more intense then you could image. They kept spelling words like "neat", "neet" and it drove me insane and I was pushing up my glasses and thumbing my Oxford English Dictionary.

"Sorry I'm late for work," Sandy, the 15 year old lifeguard from 1989 said, "I was too busy getting rammed in the pool noodle shed."

Went swimming before lunch. Well, took the paddle boat over, and I was all man-man lifting it out of the deck (thank you deadlifts!) and then befriended every spider while wiping them away for me ladies. The steer gear thingy was broken so Nelly had to sit in the back with the paddle while K and I pedaled. Sometime we'd just to a 180 in the middle of the lake, just to practise for the Synchronized Paddle Boat Championships (tonight at 8:00 on TSN!)

Got to her cousin's cottage where they got out to swim and play frisbee, but I didn't wear my bathing suit, so for a while, I was the lumpy special ed girl in the Twilight Hoodie sitting on the dock collecting seashells. I got tired of that so took my shorts off and swam in my underwear and shirt. Underwear fly was very unreliable, and dick actually fell out at one point....YOU GUYS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE ON PATROL. Wore my shirt so the end could maybe cover it if it fell out, but mostly cuz i hate my body.

I'M A GAY GUY
AND I HATE MY BODY
I'M STANDING IN THE CORNER
WHEN I'M AT YOUR PARTY
I DON'T DRINK GIN
BUT I DRINK BACARDI

Chop faster! What do you think this is, the Grammy Awards!?

I brought my mega-cooler of food, including cold kamut pasta. Pasta salad time, K was concerned we didn't have a dressing, so I pretended like it was a food network challenge and raided the cupboards and secretly made it seem like it was all her idea.

I don't remember putting tomato on. I tried to eat the whole bowl, but couldn't, mostly because I wanted to go for a walk, and also because eating plain chickpeas quickly = largest farts possible....they still happened later, I could only imagine what happened if I ate the rest. Constant farts. Odourless, though.

K got mad because I didn't rinse the chick peas enough. WTF, i've got one friend who doesn't rinse beans, and one who super-rinses them. Make up your minds, girls.

Before my mom and dad got married, my mom was almost shunned from the family because she rinsed the kidney beans in the pasta salad. (true tale) well that and she was catholic.

K's step dad was going to make us haul wood.....excuse me? We're the guests up here for one day. You're living here for three weeks. Wake the fuck up early, mix some coffee with your beer and haul the wood yourself.

Oh, yeah, they're gay now.

Not really a surprise. I get along best with lesbians....now to turn her into a radical feminist. (not a separatist, though....unless it's her choice!)

When we were walking, I kept walking in between them to make it seem like I was ballin' with two hot chicks. Except you can't be ballin' while carrying a giant camera and a fucking blue heron shirt and is he fat but why aren't his forearms strong?

The traditional lesbian swing wedding ritual.

From wikipedia:

Lesbian Swing Wedding Ritual:

A traditional wedding, performed by lesbians in rural France in medieval times. Against the wishes of their parents, lesbians would travel to a large tree, and form a swing. One partner would push the other, and if the other partner remained on the swing, they were considered fit to be "married". If she fell off (often resulting in death or severe injury) the relationship ended and the surviving lesbian became single.

I now pronounce you wife and wife.

Went for a walk again, I get near tall grass, I have to walk in. Had a lil mishap in some cat tails....disappeared for a bit, and fell in the marsh. Felt like a velociraptor.

If You Give A Stoner A Camera.

....they'll document every fucking thing....five times.

Do I have chemo eyes because:

1) my eyelashes are BLOND
2) they're droopy?
3) my glasses sit too low on my nose
4) pink eyelids like a baby sloth
5) i'm actually going through chemo.

I love hot chicks doing ugly things. I think I had a party once called "Beautiful People Doing Questionable Things".

Garbage pickin'. "You can tell so much from their garbage!"

....and now I can tell a lot about you because you're digging through a stranger's recycling. No judgement!

They're waaaay too happy about this. Well, they didn't get any money for their lesbian wedding reception, so this is all they got.

Gym Story - Leave my Bag Alone

2011-08-07T07:20:00.000-07:00

K but seriously if it was in her way why doesn't she just say so, or move it for the second to mop it?

Don't Forget to Vote

2011-08-06T18:05:00.000-07:00

Don't forget to vote on the poll to the right.

Letting the internet decide my fate....aaallllllriiiiiigggggghhhhhht.

Also, found my ideal guy/ideal body proportions I'll probably end up having in a few months/year

NSFW below......

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I like how the dick isn't even the focus of this picture. I'm not impressed by dicks...i'm impressed by his chest hair and lack of trimming, plus, perfect body fat percentage, it'd be like fucking a water bed.

Gym Story - The Spotter

2011-08-06T07:16:00.000-07:00

Apparently I can't crop pictures. DEEEAL WITH IT

10 Things - Aug 5

2011-08-05T18:29:00.000-07:00

10 Things Happening To Me These Days

1. My mom saw a black newswoman on TV and "That lady tans too much."

2. I commented to my dad how much money we're saving with our garden and not buying produce. he said "I think you're onto something." You mean agriculture? You think I'm "onto" growing food...something that's existed since the dawn of humanity?

3. ow broke my abs #selfabsorbedfaggotproblems

4. i forgot to jack off for the last week (whoops?) then last night I couldn't sleep, restless restless then did a half-falling asleep aggressive jack off and I was too lazy to filter my mental image of men and....a few surprises let's just say popped into mind

5. i can't stand the sound of lip smacking when people are eating, and I think also can't stand the sound of kissing. I'll have to date a deaf guy....no, I'll have to be deaf. Can I get a surgery for that?

6. i ate salmon today and someone mentioned cats and I suddenly imagined eating cat food and I gagged a bit but still force-fed the rest of my salmon down

7. i'm throwing a massive party when I can bench press my body weight. Probably going to have a smaller get-together when I can bench press 1/2 my body weight

8. my mom thought I was planning on living here until i save enough for a house down payment? ummmmm, then they suggested they're thinking of buying a rental house, and getting me to live there? No, the whole point of living on my own is to NOT BE AROUND YOU, also, I'd seriously consider living here for longer, if it wasn't for the Phantom of the Basement clomping around with a thunder cloud above his head

9. what if your name was "Steele"

10. i wanna make a graph/mathematical equation for the number of years spent being normal/pwetty and the correlation of an interesting personality

BONUS. 11. Someone on tv just said "you're sexy when you zipline."

3:00

2011-08-05T10:50:00.001-07:00

WHAT HAPPENED AT 3:00?!?!??!?

Blue Worm in A Coin Jar

2011-08-05T10:36:00.000-07:00

Awwww, just cuddled up wit dem pennies, countin' mah moneez.

I still need a name for him. Maybe "Wormy Taylor The Lady Slayer"....because he's already been all over girl's boobs.

Anyone interested in antique glass containers? I want to take my protein shake to the gym in that mason jar.

Counter top bulk station. Red quinoa so much better than white quinoa.

These are a staple of my life, now and forever.

About fuckin time I got some mail. I had given up on zines, but realized I hadn't sent out stuff....will review the zine later, but so far, restoring my faith in the zineeeees.

Making peppermint tea.

But how will i make these dried leaves into a smaller, flaky pile?

Thank you, pot heads.

My 90 year old great uncle gives us these odd wooden sculptures every time he sees us/my parents. They used to be really freaky old man doctors. But he's improved!

My mom has out-eccentric-ed me. Yeah, that's her good luck onion.

Good luck onion.

I'm not adopted.

How Do I Live There

2011-08-04T11:13:00.000-07:00

How can I time travel to my heaven?

My Piano Book

2011-08-04T05:30:00.000-07:00

Melisma, do you remember making this for me? Mom found it cleaning the linen closet.

Yeah, parents on vacation.....TIME TO CLEAN FUCKING EVERYTHING. holidays.

Yeah right.

Why have I not heard of her before? She's like Tracey Chapman.....always trust a stern woman with a guitar.....well, not always. Edit: always trust a folk artist named Joan. (Joni Mitchell's real name is Joan, but she changed it)

Suspended in lulled time zone before work. Not enough time to start anything serious, but still enough time to do....something. Ended up trying laying on my bed, listening to Joan Armatrading and trying to do CBT exercises in my notebook. But my upper back is stiff and burning from leaning over tables.

Exercise is the word I always, always without fail spell wrong. I want to put a Z in there.

a "pillow" of "lettuce". nice "joke", dave.

American Apparel ad:

The American Apparel Lettuce:
Crisp. Green. Fresh. The must-have summer leaf is back and better than ever. Wear it on your head, in your mouth or pin it to your shoulder. One colour, fits all.

This is turning on some gay guy somewhere.

Found these forgotten undies in the back of my drawer. Snoopy with sunglasses? How tasteless. But if I take my dick out of the fly, he looks like he's sticking out his tongue....his floppy uncircumsised tongue.

How hipster is this? peppermint leaves drying for tea from the cord of my vintage Sony cassette stereo.

I dreamed they were alive again. Nope, I think it's dead for good. RIP WINDOW PLANT.

NAMED MUH DICK.

Has anyone seen the Whoopi Goldberg Poise commercial? I thought about them yesterday and thought....now, that's too weird, did I dream it? I must have dreamed it..... googled it, no it was real, my imagination did not make it up.

Google Search Results - Aug 3

2011-08-03T16:32:00.000-07:00

Again, these are the search results that have lead people to my blog. Not as sexual as last time, good thing? bad thing?

Gather Round, Gym Story Time

2011-08-03T13:30:00.000-07:00

True story.

If you're an idiot, I'll have to tell you to CLICK ON THE PICTURE to make it bigger and read it.

New Poll - Dilemma

2011-08-03T06:48:00.000-07:00

New poll to the right. Be sure to vooooote.

(Yes, I still have to make a paintbrush out of my own human head hair.....AH! just realized I'm getting it cut today. Should I save a sample now? Probably, I don't want to be crawling on the floor of my barbers wheezing "My hair....i need it. .....i need my hair....to paint....for art".)

ANYWAY

Someone I work is a relative of someone I know. Do I let them know I know their family, or not say anything and see if they happen to mention the dirt on their family?

Three Mintues of Your Life You'll Never Get Back

2011-08-03T06:25:00.000-07:00

Annoying swiss chalet/rib commercial. ATTN ADVERTISERS: showing people with your product on their face doesn't make me wanna buy it. It makes me sick. you're SIIIIIICK.

Crash landed. Fuck..... not used to walking/running for 7 hours on the job. So far, love it, love the people. I'm paid 13.30/hr to serve banana cake to seniours who have endless compliments for me.

But it's EXHAUSTING. Mostly cuz i'm not used to being an adult with a job. I get home at 7:15...it's cracker/salsa/olive/judge judy time every time.

MULLET BE_GONE. I'm getting it cut in....about an hour. It goes from casually shaggy to wild-man-of-the-woods overnight.

I'm the face you find when you remove the ceiling tiles.

Labour cam. PUUUUSH.

Susan Powter had an underwater birth photographer. I'll just say that again......underwater birth photographer.

My "good" camera takes shitty tv screen shots and doesn't zoom in as much.

Watching Hell's Kitchen. My dad walked past the TV and said "what is WRONG with him. He's insane." I was like "this is news for you that gordon ramsey shouts? AND DON"T SAY INSANE THAT IS A TRIGGER FOR YOUR ACTUALLY CRAZY SON."

He was eliminated, sucks because he was one of the hot ones. When Gordon asked him to remove his jacket, he was wearing a wife beater....way to bust those stereotypes into pieces, Monterray. (two R's? Not necessary.)

NOOOOOO. I was too lazy to leave the room. Is this show on every night? There's a performance show, then an elimination show. My parent's are too old to figure out the show schedule so every night they check the satellite listings.

You know what I think of you Nick Cannon?

Not even worth the steam off my piss.....which p.s. is very steamy.

Then I slept for 12 hours? Excuse me? I think I need to cut my anti-anxiety medication in half, because I was taking it because I was having trouble going to sleep, but now with jobs and regular schedule, it just makes me FUCKING tired in the morning. I hate waking up at 9. I'm 65

Black Muslim Boyfriend: LIVE!

2011-08-02T04:05:00.000-07:00

Dream Analysis TUESDAY

Last night i dreamt (word?) no.....dreammmmed I had a black muslim boyfriend. I always joke in real life that I'm bringing a BMB to my family reunion at the church just to spite my catholic family, except they always shock me with their acceptance/lack of caring.

ANYWAY. so in the dream BMB was a wrestler or rugby player, or some turn-on sport, and he came by my house and we're making out in the piano room in the dark. He leaves, my parents come home and suddenly I'm cray-cray again and i'm trashing the house, breaking glass, knocking things over....breaking everything in sight I'm a train of destruction.

and my parents are YELLING at me and i'm YELLING red faced to them and my brother except I can't remember if it had anything to do with the BMB or not.

Those "Me Smashing Shit Up" dreams are so satisfying, except I know it's my brain's way of getting rid of secret anger, I just wish my brain would tell me what I'm so angry about....

Leave your analysis in the comments, plzzzzz. (all three of you.)

Part Time Blogger

2011-08-01T17:59:00.000-07:00

What I'm reading for breakfast. I'll summarize it so you don't have to:

-pay your visa right away
-don't buy shit you don't need
-seriously stop buying it
-write down everything you spend. every cent
-MAKE A FUCKING BUDGET

Now you don't have to read it.

Also, Karen, not sure if you remember, but we argued about where she was from. You said "obviously scottish" and I said, "no, I'm thinking Carribean".....fuck you, she's jamaican. I win.

Loser loner snack. Brown rice.....uncle ben's parboiled my mom made. Spent the whole meal trying to tell myself not to think of how much they looked like maggots.

I'm LATE FOR WORK

Honest to goodness dick length. 6.5 statistically average. Deal with it.

Dick size after/during gym. Your blood rushes to your muscles and leaves parts it doesn't need. I swear, it's like finding a peanut in yarn clippings some time.

Quickly becoming my favourite album. She's LIVE. And it covers her songs from her Once Upon A Time album....one of my favourite all time albums.

WHY AREN'T YOU A FULL BODY CARDBOARD CUT OUT?!!??!

I'm worried I'll dress my 3 yr old korean daughter up in something like this.

"Sorry I'm late to the wedding, dude.....oh, is it over all ready? man....there was a south park marathon, then my buds kerry and ted came by and got super wasted, do you have cake left?"

"oh, no probs no probs. was i supposed to bring a gift? shit I forgot to bring a gift, man. Best wishes. p.s. who's the chick in the long white dress....she's super hooooot."

Judge Judy Jackpot. A gang of latina lesbian soccer players were ruining each other's cars.

The eyebrows on the girl on the left are defying laws of nature.

The remote is.....so far.....away......

oh gawd, parents found out the America's Got Talent was on. Fuuuuuck, don't get me involved.

HATE HER.

most bang-able yo-yo star?

Then Stevie Nix performed on the show and all was resolved.

ZOMG, watching Top Chef: Just Desserts, and one guy had an anxiety attack and had to be taken away in an ambulance and REMOVED from the competition. Just Desserts has 4 or 5 gay members, full of perfectionists, I can't handle it.

Horse Heaven

2011-07-31T17:56:00.000-07:00

Time to go to the dump.

My favourite spot in all Kawartha Lakes. Hands down, best thrift store in the area.

Something about mounted/framed puzzles depresses the hell out of me. Who the hell is so desperate and lonely that they spend their time preserving their puzzles? And WHY?

This would be great.....if I only owned 6 VHS tapes. Then what?

Jack-fucking-pot. Clutched this one under my armpit like a old biddie and got out of there before someone could take it from me. And this is one of the VHS that I don't own of susan powter's?

Nicole, I have the perfect aquatic plant collecting spot. Yellow lillies!

mmmmmm psyllium.

Bowl of lettuce all day every day

Poll Results - Human Hair paintbrush

2011-07-31T15:03:00.000-07:00

I can't figure out how to post the poll results, but 4 out of 6 people agreed that making a paintbrush from my own hair is quirky n kewt.

So that means I have to make one. Be prepared for shitty craft making. Maybe I'll end up on regretsy.

Adulthoooooood

2011-07-31T10:55:00.000-07:00

sarry for no pictures

more coming up later, im just busy

got two jobs now, adjusting my sleep/gym schedule

didn't sleep well last night, did shitty at the gym, bro-fails abound.

deadlifted 215. accomplishment? at least that's going up.

the hardest thing about working now is fitting in time to do all my eating

my eating tips are the opposite of diet tips
-eat from bigger bowls/plates so servings look smaller
-eat when you're not hungry
-eat when you're doing something else/distracted
-eat alone

actually i'm always alone so eating alone is NATURAL.

green beans from the garden: fresh as fresh can be

HOW DO I SEX

2011-07-30T06:58:00.000-07:00

Guelph trip! Went to visit MaRANTa .....and Amber came all the way from Montreal. Although M probably just telepathically transported her there with a purple laser beam from space because they are TWINS with MIND POWERS.

A is furiously folding zines faster then the camera can capture. M's arm got sore? Or her muscles were developing from stapling. I forget.

The perfectionist in me had to resort those piles of fallen over zines and tuck them away parallel to the shelf.

Scary book. Wish I had written down some quotes. "Even baby boys grow up to be pricks!" "Separatist Lesbians do not recognize humans." "If you are femme you are in drag for the patriarchy." Too much to handle. I'm worried about it being in M's house, we had to have a talk about her reading it for "historical purposes" and not so she ends up in some farming commune in Saskatoon and changing her name to elderberry j. moonstone.

ehhhhhhhhhhhhh.

You know what else is for lesbians only?

muh dick.

a thousand separatist lesbians rolling over in their hemp graves.

Sandwich time with lettuce I brought from my garden and avocado and hummus. Vegetarians?

Whenever I visit, her fridge doubles in content. I brought a cooler this time, I'm a maniac. #1 priority: 3000 calories a day.

Converse power!

Amber and I were the only ones not familiar with Guelph, so we had to trust our leaders to bring us to....wherever we were going to.

....on muh dick.

I pretended to be a paparazzi. Could I do the job?

Then I was too fat and couldn't keep running backwards so they ended up passing me.

huff huff....don't worry guys.....hufff.....i'll catch up with you later.....wheeeeeze i need my puffer....

I asked them if their life was a movie, what genre would it be under. Amber said "gay and lesbian indie comedy".

And heeeeeere's the poster!

Dumpster diving. Cross that off my life list. I argued earlier that I was a hippy, and M said I wasn't Hippy ENOUGH. What more do I need to do? Answer? Dumpster dive.....

Well, just take pictures of someone else dumpster diving. We had to be quiet not to attract attention, so I took loud flashy pictures.

oh god, so sweaty, my arms look like a fish belly.

Maranda got bored and found a corner with a shopping cart.

I got in trouble for being too loud and had to give up my camera.

the score. Lots of Boost, some popcorn and energy bars.

Internal flush...finally? It actually was full of all naturally ingredients. PSYLLIUM! Which I had with me in a tiny mason jar, true story. Am I not hippy enough? Fuck you.

More dumpsters? Only cardboard boxes.

Where I'm sleeping that night.....what tail is that I see.

Amelie. Leave it to Maranda to have a transgendered cat. She thought she was a girl, and named her Amelie and raised her as a girl, then when she went to get "neutered" she was "fixed" instead....world view, crashed. But she still goes by she? And I got in trouble for calling her "it", but I call all cats "it".....yet I personify grasshoppers and dragonflies. DOUBLE STANDARD / RESPECT BUGS.

Dem legs. She slept on the couch beside me and we had the lights out, before sleep slumber party talk. Mostly me hitting her with a pillow and making fun of her.

MORNING. Hummus for breakfast.

Pumpkin muffin for breakfast.

Could I wear thick glasses? I couldn't before because my face was too narrow, but now that I'm bulkier, I think I could.

Oh, hellowwwww my name is Theo and I've come to publish my collection of short stories.

Just kidding i'm jizzing on kittens.

how how how how HOOOOW is my face doing this. I always make faces, then don't know how I made them. Can never be repeated.

ONE WAY TICKET TO COFFEE LANDDDDD.

slow dancing with the ball to Madonna's "take a bow"

When regular adults have cofffeeeee.....

When I have coffee.

Accidental duck face deal with it. I was talking about life n love n my direction and almost applied to jazz school. Coffee: keep it away from me.

That's better. Took a few tries. We're getting better.

Expensive hummus and chips. 9 dollars for both. It's black olive hummus, i don't care, it's so delicious.

We're sitting on the hill with the giant church in Guelph. The catholic in me is still being respectful and not swearing in the proximity of God's house.

Maranda planning to bomb the city.

Album coverrrrrrr.

I want to steal her plaid shirt.

I can't help myself. This is Bridgette. She's always shocked, but always up for adventure.

Maranda looks like the girl with the pearl earring in this picture. Bridgette is SHOCKED.

All i see is tricep.

Standard Amber face. Standamberface.

This is where she lives, don't judge!

Woah. A picture of amber holding a picture of amber.

10 Things I Learned from Guelph

1. I'm intimidated by Separatist Lesbians
2. Dumpster Diving: exactly what it sounds like
3. A "seegan" is someone who eats anything that looks vegan
4. What is Madonna's Take a Bow about?
5. I look okay in thick big glasses
6. I need to be more hippy
7. black olive hummus: how do I make you
8. if my life was a movie, the genre would be psychological comedy

so there's only 8 .. goodbye.

Nori Brown Rice Cakes

2011-07-28T04:20:00.000-07:00

See Paige? i told you I was going to phone you. Love writing down a list of people to contact, then realizing it's pretty much everyone you know.

i.DONT.KNOW.HOW.to.fashion

Karen, these are nice, real shorts. My brother got them for his birthday, but they're too small for him. I'm a size 36 now because of my AssLikeWut Ltd.. Can I wear them with my ugly neon surfer husband-beater? (i'm not using the word "wife-beater") Will your opinion sway my clothes choices? NOPE.

Preparing for Guelph trip. Mom date to the grocery store while she was at the dentist. Mom: "I hate going to the dentists. It hurts and it costs money." Brilliant, mom.

GUESS THAT INTERSECTION! (Price is Right announcer voice)

Mom Flipped the Fuck Out when she saw that kid so close to the curb. "I would never, NEVER let you that close to the road at that age." Yeah, well you'd also not let me cross the street without holding your hand until I was 10 and I turned out gay, so let's not give out too much parenting advice.

Waiting for her to come out of the dentist's office. Each radio station I picked would get fuzzy static. Which, p.s. I need to download some Lesbian Mafia podcasts for the ride today.

Hi St. Mary's! You are responsible for my kindness and my guilt!

I wish I could have my center eyebrow wrinkle implanted now. I think it's distinguished. Plus, I wouldn't be sitting around waiting "when am I gonna get dat wrinkle".

Let's speed up the process.

Bought Nori Brown Rice cakes.

Not nori flavoured at all. They should also stop calling them Rice Cakes, they don't resemble cake at all. Although Rice Pucks sounds less appetizing, but truer!

everybody GET INSIDE.

DRIP DROP DIET

2011-07-27T17:05:00.000-07:00

This is supposed to be freaky/creepy, but I just find it hilarious and want to be friends with the performer.

MY GF DONT BLOW ME ANYMORE

2011-07-27T09:39:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I go on the gay part of craigslist in the Kawartha lakes and I feel like an anthropologist studying these guys. Why are you still here?

Also, this guy turned gay pretty quickly. Why isn't he looking for another girl? Your girl's sexual denial is not a reason for you to get a dude to blow you.

Bowls n Bowls of Leafs n Leafs

2011-07-27T05:31:00.001-07:00

Walk around with this bowl all day, munching like a rabbit. Has counter-acted the peanut butter induced constipation. A-thank-you.

This time I think I REALLY killed it. But I'll give it a good soak and see what happens. "Give it a good soak" is my family's gardening motto.

Monthly wall calender. Game changer. Got this trick from my piano teacher. Why didn't I do this sooner? I have a day planner, but there's something better about a whole month right in front of you.

I had a guest come by for dinner!

He didn't stay long.

My parents are out of town for 2 nights, and this is the dish pile up from night one. NONE of them are mine, honest. All are my bro and his friends. I thought, well maybe they're waiting for the dishwasher to be done.....

Maybe they don't know how to fill a sink....

Fuck it i'm a passive aggressive house wife. not doing any of their shit, see what happens when mom/dad comes home. Am I 13? I have to move out soon. Had another interview yesterday for a full time (30hrs/week) position at a retirement home. Went incredibly well, hoping to hear from them soon. PLZZZZZ.

HOW

ARE

MY

TEETH

Two crows. Isn't that some old wives bad luck symbol?

The wasps! Caught one in motion dive bombing me. They're territorial, except they've made their territory the FRONT DOOR STEPS, so there's no avoiding them.

I've tried befriending them, but it's not working. I'm the Insect Whisperer.

TURN RED!

Pumpkin vine. Never grew them before, so BIWISI (Believe it when I see it)

Wha......? Is my brother making a labyrinth?

More like he was cutting the grass high, realized he was cutting the wrong field and went "oh shit oh shit oh shit" and turned around.

Black-Eyed Susan would be my roller derby name. Probably taken, so I'd be Jenna Shameson.

Befriended a stink bug! You are misunderstood, I know. And beautiful. They look like mini-shields.

I'm like the anaconda hunters in the amazon, they walk in the swamp barefoot so they can feel the snake skin. Except I'm looking for strawberries when they're out of season.

Dad's peonies are doing great. Give it a good soak.

Ants on the spinach head. Went into emergency clipping mode, cutting them off.

Lettuce is out. of. control. Taking over the sunlight of the green pepper. Please don't!

Look at that root on the kale. The stronger the root, the more it stays. (SYMBOLISM OF ME AND MY HOME TOWN< MAYBE?)

Windy day. Nature equivalent to a woman's dress flying up.

"hi! my name is dave I want to be friends with you!"

"please don't dive bomb me!"

he did immediately after this picture.

The draw string of these pants got sucked into the elastic, I'll have to do the safety pin trick to get them out again. When I was at school, i wouldn't find my Macleans till a few days later, now that I'm chief mail getter, I gots it.

So came home after work at 8:00.....9 hours after the last picture of dishes was taken.

And woke up this morning to worse. The manipulative middle child in me is quietly doing my dishes and just waiting for the clusterbomb explosion.

10 Things That Happened - July 25

2011-07-25T17:20:00.000-07:00

10 Things That Are Happening

1) I'd like to date a Medieval Times employee

2) Gordon Ramsey should do throat lozenge commercials

3) I'm going to be a MESS when Joni Mitchell dies

4) I'm too fat for Toronto

5) My dad asked if I had balloons for my brother's birthday. No, I don't have balloons. So he drew a picture of balloons and put it on the fridge

6) I think the tablespoons of peanut butter are causing my constipation/constant tiny shits

7) Can we, as a human race, collectively stop using the word "awesome"?

8) Good news, bad news: My brother cut the fat off his steak....only to insert it into the meat.

9) Major brorgy today at the gym. Best part/worst part of the gym.

10) I would like to have a serious, adult conversation with someone in the fashion industry to explain to me why they give a shit about clothes.

in other news.....Jon, just tried to call you, why you no pick up? Gardening? Put off by the cambray phone number? Blogging is the new email.

Maranda: see you thursday....probably around 2ish 3ish. I'll call when I leave Lindsay. Also, your phone cut out. usually you write up a following apology email when this happens. But not this time. What gives?

The Police Asked How She Knew It Was Human Poo

2011-07-24T09:39:00.000-07:00

Getting worried about the broc. Cutworms got to his leaves, I sprayed him with chili-water. Hopefully the actual flower will be okay?

Secret bean stash. Thought I only had three....lifted a few leaves BAM bean emporium.

Beans eye view.

Mom date to Nesbitt's Meat Market to get a gift certificate for my brother's birthday party. Told her my gym vengeance story....it's a long one, I'll tell it later. Basically I confronted a jacked up douche about being a jacked up douche and he was stunned speechless because a gay nerd was calling him out on his shit and I wasn't afraid of his roided biceps.

My house will have a garden like this, for sure. A+!

Never been to this restaurant. The owner wears pajama pants to work in the kitchen, and you have to wait a really long time for your food. No thanks.

My grandma gave me muffin cups. How do I tell her I don't bake? I can't.....

Right on, Lindsay.

Too fucking perfect.

This is how beans are supposed to look and taste. I want to let one pod out grow and dry the beans so I can use them next year. If i just plant a soy bean, will it grow? Experiment time.

I went to a real life party last night, and I didn't take any pictures, so now I have no proof of me being around other humans. I want more pictures of humans here, because.....well because humans are FGGGGGGREAT

Everybody Moon Jump #10

2011-07-23T05:01:00.000-07:00

Lordy lordy, look who took forty years to make a zine.

EMJ #10
80 pages
1/2 legal

A biography of my body. What I've done to it, how I've destroyed it, and how I'm healing it currently. Explains why I'm eating so much, and my plans for the future. And of course, some cray-cray mental health stories. Lots of stuff I've never told anyone....might as well publish it!

Such girth! Look how thick it is! And it's mostly text.

I'm incredibly proud of this, one of my proudest writing achievements to date.

SO HERE'S THE DEAL

$5 if I'm seeing you in person (aka no shipping fees)

Probably more if I have to mail it....$7? I haven't figure this out yet

Just email me and we'll talk. everybodymoonjump@hotmail.com

Sorry friends, I'm not giving this one out for free like other ones, unless for a mega trade or equal.

But I love the barter system, so if you have books/food/veggies/services/lessons that you think are of equal value, please, suggest them!

Befriending Praying Mantis

2011-07-22T17:07:00.000-07:00

Maranda you forgot your book. I'll bring it to you when I see you.

I already jizzed all over page 145.

Bean Haiku:

What are all these stones?
No they are not stones at all
You fat stupid bitch

Gayest thing I own.

She's sitting watching me do my scales, rolling her eyes when I forget the augmented 7th on melodic minor scales.

Scary grade 9 warm-up sheet my teacher made me.

c#- is the new key. Ugh.... terrifying.

Don't worry, it all steamed down. But spent most of the time rinsing and rinsing and rinsing because tiny cutworms were in the leaves. Plus tiny cocoon type thingies. I don't know.....I found a caterpillar in the sink and took him outside.

Today I was constipated-ishy. Now those who know me KNOW I know a lot about digestive health. So what happened? Basically went a month without eating chicken, then late last night ate 3 kebabs worth of chicken. Spent the day drinking ginger tea. Can't wait for tomorrow morning when thousands of calories worth of shit come out. Pics to come.

Spring Break!

Dinner: leaf lettuce, brown rice and black beans. No seasoning, my stomach wasn't in the mood.

My mom's always shoving her bowl into my face trying to hog the camera. okay okay. Here's her fake mac n cheese with some garden spinach mixed with it.

New friend!

Extra points if you can tell what body part he's on.

Good luck sign, I think. They're rare, and so beautiful, one of my favs.

Levels of Anxiety - July 22

2011-07-22T13:30:00.001-07:00

if you're an idiot, you'll need to CLICK to make the pic bigger in a different window

Search Results - July 22

2011-07-22T08:06:00.000-07:00

I want to do a weekly/daily segment, but I know I start off promising a regular segment, then only do it once.

These are the Google Search results that have lead people to my blog in the last week.

Click to make larger if you can't see it.

If you're searching "how to clit" you might also want to be searching "how to talk". Unless it's a typo for "How to clap", in which case, you're beyond idiocy, but I kind of want to meet you.

How, indeed does one "clit"?